Alana, 25

Los Angeles, California | April 9th, 2021

Date of interview: July 19th, 2020

I’m Alana, I’m 25, and I just finished my master's program. I feel like my identity right now has been surrounded around being a student for so long because I’ve been in school for like 20 years, so it's weird that I finally finished. Even though I'm done, I don't even know if I'm actually finished because there are still doctorate programs and I don't know if I'm interested in that, but I’m still figuring it out. I guess since finishing school, and especially with things being shut down‒I'm in LA too by the way‒I think since [with] things finishing down, it's giving me more time to dig into this kind of identity or other identities, or other aspects of my identity that I have besides being a student. One of those things being Asian or Asian American at least–I've been involved in Asian cultural groups since undergrad, I went to undergrad at UCLA, and then I went to CSUN for grad school, so I was involved at UCLA. Because my mom is Filipino, my dad's Cambodian, I was kind of involved with the Filipino club but [only] at the start of my undergrad, and then towards the end I joined United Khmer Students, so that was really good for me because growing up, I wasn't super connected to my Cambodian side just because my dad came here to the States when he was young. I think he was a toddler, he came really young. My dad's really young too; he had me when he was 20. He’s kind of in that weird‒I don't know what generation number that would be considered though. Then once I went into grad school, I tried to be involved too, but I don't even think there's a Cambodian club at CSUN, CSU Northridge. There was a Filipino one, but I was just so busy.

I didn't really grow up with a lot of other Cambodians. I think in my hometown, I grew up near Palm Springs, so I don't think there were any other Cambodians; I think I was the only one. There were a lot of Hmong people. On my dad's side of the family, I kind of grew up with them, but then I think just slowly, he was trying to get out of that kind of hot mess of what they were in. So, he slowly detached and then because obviously he doesn't want to see them anymore, I was able to see them less. There's a lot of disconnect between my Cambodian side of the family.

Where did you grow up? In what community or what city for most of your life?

I grew up in Banning, California. It's this small town; if you look at the actual demographic or description of what it is, it’s a rural fringe. It’s like where a rural area meets suburban, something like that.

Did your parents work there or nearby?

About 30 minutes away, maybe 20 to 30 miles from the nearest cities or Riverside. Where I grew up was in between Riverside and San Bernardino, that triangle point, so those were the two nearest cities. It’s kind of a small town. We used to live closer to Riverside because that’s where my dad works; he works in a warehouse, so that’s why we moved there. We started moving away from the city and we just kept slowly moving away. My dad worked in Riverside, and my mom first worked in Temecula which is pretty far, over an hour, and she became a medical assistant after she got laid off, so she works in Banning. In terms of the population, it’s a small town; it’s weird because there’s a lot of old White senior communities, it’s kind of a conservative area because of the old White people, but who I went to high school with were mostly Mexicans, some Black people, some Hmong‒there’s a Hmong community out there. That’s also kind of weird because there weren’t any other Filipinos, there weren’t any other Cambodians, the only Asians were Hmong people and there was me. When I was growing up, I was really dark, and they were all really pale and East Asian looking. They would [ask] me, “What are you?” I was like, “I’m Filipino and Cambodian,” and they were like, “Oh, you know that Cambodians are the Blacks of Asia?” or “Filipinos are the Mexicans of Asia,” or some shit like that. I wasn’t too connected with them; they were very within their own circles. I mostly grew up around Mexicans. It was a really small town though, there was only one high school. 

“They would [ask] me, ‘What are you?’ I was like, ‘I’m Filipino and Cambodian,’ and they were like, ‘Oh, you know that Cambodians are the Blacks of Asia?’”

[...]

I didn’t really think about how mixed Cambodians are until I joined the Cambodian club at UCLA. I didn't realize that there were a lot of Cambodians who are also Teochew. I guess I kind of knew because my grandma speaks Vietnamese and French; she speaks so many different languages but I didn’t even know because she doesn't speak English. My dad came here with his blood mom and then his step-dad, but his biological dad is full Cham. That's kind of all I know; he'll randomly get in his feels and talk about that, but then that's just bits and pieces. 

I remember growing up whenever my dad would take us to Long Beach, people would always see my mole, and they'd be like, “Oh, you're Cambodian.” To this day I'm always just like, “Okay?” I don't even know where that came from. I get told, “Oh yeah, I can tell you're Cambodian because your hair is so coarse or thick.” It's really weird hearing that because it’s these little things that make you Cambodian when you don't even know. I feel like it’s just random things. 

What is your ethnicity? 

My dad is Cambodian, but breaking that down more, I feel like he doesn't really know because he doesn't really know about his dad because supposedly his dad was in the military. There's one picture that my dad has with him and his dad, and it's his dad's in some military looking uniform and my dad's an infant. But, I don't even know if that's his actual dad or if that’s his step-dad because I don't even know the person who came here and helped my dad and his mom because it was just those two who came here in the 70s. From what I know, he says he’s Cambodian and then he says his real dad is Cham, but that's just what he said. On his mom, I don't know her breakdown but he says that supposedly she can speak Vietnamese, she can speak French, and I think Thai too. That's kind of all I know and he doesn’t really talk to her anymore. Her mind has kind of been elsewhere too, at least last time I saw her. 

My mom is Filipino. Her mom also died when she was young too, but I think she was Filipino but she might have had some Chinese in her. So, my mom might have had some Chinese in her, but I think my mom's dad is full Filipino. They're [from the] Northern Philippines. 

How connected do you feel to Khmer culture?

It's weird because I feel like growing up, I was more closer with my dad’s side. I remember in elementary school, at one point all our family lived together. So, my dad's the oldest and he has a bunch of half siblings, so at one point I think it was my yeay/យាយ (grandma) living with us and then you have three or four of his siblings who were also living with us, so we're all in one house. I felt pretty connected and my grandma would just yell at us and all that. We would go to Cambodian New Year at the temple. There's this huge gap where my dad was just tired; I think with everybody living in that one house, he was just kind of tired of having to be that person to provide for everybody, including my grandma. Because at that time, I think she was addicted to gambling and a lot of his family members, my aunts, uncles, her, and the person that she was with was always smoking and drinking, and he just didn't like it. He was tired of giving them money and then they would go spend it on that and not work, and just rely on him. I grew up around that, so I felt pretty connected in that sense, going with my grandma, the temple, and I like all her cooking. It was mostly through the food, I guess, that I felt connected. 

How do you feel about your facial features? It can be your nose, your eyes, your mouth, etc.

I don't know. I think that's a mix too because I feel like sometimes I'll have people tell me, “Oh, she looks really Filipino,” or they'll be like, “Oh yeah, you do look Cambodian,” or something like that. I feel like my lips kind of help, like the fullness. I feel like people have told me, “Oh Cambodians really have nice lips,” they're always really vague, I'm like, “Okay.” I’ve had older Cambodian people tell me, “Oh, your mole makes you look Cambodian,” and I have one nearby my eye. My hair because it’s really big and sometimes really coarse looking like, “Oh yeah, you have Cambodian hair.” When I was little and really dark, I still kind of am, my face isn’t as dark, but my arms are still. Then my dad would kind of joke around and be like, “Oh, yeah because we’re jungle Asians.”

How do you feel about your nose and eye shape?

For my nose, it's pretty flat. I don't know if I get it from my dad or my mom; they both have flat noses, but I feel like it really is a hybrid Filipino, Cambodian nose because I feel like it is that button-y Filipino look but it’s also kind of flat too. I think more of my sisters have more wider flat noses, and I think they’d be like, “Yeah, my nose is more Cambodian,” or she'll say something like that. For my eyes shape too, it’s smaller and round, but it's not traditionally East Asian slanted. I feel like that makes it a little bit more like Cambodian or maybe it's Filipino too because I feel like a lot of Filipinos, depending on what they’re mixed with, they don’t have slanted eyes. My eye shape is something that I think about like, “Where does this come from?” because I have pretty round eyes for an Asian person, I guess.

It’s like this with a lot of Southeast Asians. A lot of people in my family, no one has slanted eyes or anything, they are pretty round, not like doll eyes, it's just full. It is weird, but it's very particular, I don't know how to describe it. A lot of my cousins all kind of have this round eye shape.

When you think about your facial features, so your lips, your eyes, your nose, and maybe even like your face shape, what kind of emotions does that come with, especially when you were younger? Did it change over time as you grew up?

Because my nose is flat and my face in general is just round, I think it's gotten more slimmer looking as time passes, but growing up, my face to me has always looked wide, round, and flat. At first, I was teased also in middle school‒not even teased, I was fucking bullied. There were these two White girls and there’s hardly any White people in my middle school, but there would be two girls who would make fun of my nose because it's flat. They would call me pug face and they would bark at me and I'm like, “White people…” It was intense. 

For a long time, I did not like my nose because it was so flat and I would be really angry about it. I'd be mad at my parents, “Why did y'all have to give me this flat nose?” Growing up now, I've definitely accepted and I appreciate it more, but I didn't like how my nose is small, my eyes are kind of small, my lips are kind of big or fuller, but it's all more towards the center of my face and I always felt like I have so much surface area. I just felt like my face is so wide and it's so round, so there's just no real shape to it, but what was comforting is that my cousins also have really wide faces too, and my other cousin has a really wide jaw. I feel like it's common within a lot of Cambodians, that really large cheek service area. I think growing up, it definitely wasn't something that I liked, especially my nose; my nose is probably my least favorite thing about me when I was growing up because everybody else had a bridge. I always wanted to wear those glasses that didn't have those nose bridge pads, but I couldn't because I didn't have the nose bridge, so they would just slide off my face. I would be really frustrated because of that. It just bothered me and I wanted to have a nose bridge so bad, but it was just not happening. I never entertained like, “Oh, I want to get plastic surgery,” it was just really annoying. Then I just got over it. It was not going to change.

How do you feel about your hair and your hair texture?

My hair actually thinned out. It thinned out when I went to UCLA because I think I was really stressed. My hair started falling out like legit in the shower. It’s probably because of stress and I think it’s naturally like my mom's hair, which is pretty thin now though. My dad is completely bald, but supposedly growing up he had long hair, but my grandma had really thick hair, wavy, coarse Cambodian hair. But growing up, I hated my hair. It was so frizzy, it was so poofy, and then all the Mexican girls that I adored and wanted to be because I wanted their nose, they would always flat iron their hair to where it was so silky and straight until it looked fake. I would try to do that too and my hair was just too thick, so even if I did straighten it, it would still look poofy. I did not like my hair. All my sisters, we all have the same kind of hair, really poofy, really long, really frizzy, and I hated it. I always had it in a bun or tied up in a ponytail because I didn't know what else to do with it. It was just so in the way. I never really got compliments on it or anything. 

It's kind of funny and a little annoying later too in life because when I went to college, people would be like, “Oh, your hair is so long and thick,” and now it's like a thing. Especially with the Moana movie, everybody loves that wavy looking Pacific Islander hair. Even with my skin, people will come in like, “Oh, I love your tan,” and I'm like, “I'm not tan, I'm just brown.” It's weird how things that I didn't like, it's now trendy. I have some freckles or those little Asian moles, and now people draw that on their face. It's just really weird how things I did not like growing up, people find it so cute now. People would be like, “Oh you have a cute Filipino looking nose,” or things like that; it's annoying. It's a really weird reminder that you really can't just go with whatever is cute right now. 

I think because I don't really feel as connected to my culture as much anymore living on my own. I think having these physical features do help me feel a bit more tied into my culture, which kind of sucks because I don’t know where most of these features come from. It's just a really superficial way to feel connected, but at the same time though, it’s all I have and can do right now.

Maybe because I'm getting older, there’s this weird feeling of responsibility for me. For my own personal reason, I want to be more connected to my culture, the food, I want to be able to pick up on the language, or at least something, but I also have this weird thought and responsibility. I think a lot of Asians might feel this way to keep the culture alive and keep it going. I almost feel bad if I don't end up with another Asian person and more specifically if I don't end up with another Cambodian. Because if I have kids or if I marry a White person, those White features are too strong; they’re going to wipe out all of my Cambodian features and my Filipino ones, that’s it. I think about that sometimes and I feel bad because within my own wanting to keep my family history and culture alive, I almost feel like anyone I end up with if they're not Cambodian or they're not Filipino, it kind of ends with me or I don't know how to continue it. It’s this weird guilty complex that I started to develop since I’ve started to think about with dating. I’ve been trying to unpack that and it’s super weird. 

I went to the Philippines after my freshman year of undergrad, and it was the weirdest feeling ever because I felt so comfortable and it's just nice being in the countryside, everyone's so welcoming, they look like me, they sound like my aunts and uncles, and things like that. I would get lost in it and forget that “Oh yeah, I'm actually American.” I don't know the language completely, I only know bits and pieces, it sounds familiar, but I can't understand it. It’s so weird having that feeling kind of at home, but also knowing that I'm a visitor.

How do others describe your skin color? You can answer this question generally, but then also in a Cambodian context.

I think the biggest comment that I would get is “Alana, you’re dark. You’re dark like your dad.” That’s it; no other context, that was the main thing that I would hear.

Where do you think your skin color, hair, and features come from?

My hair definitely comes from my dad's mom because it's thick and wavy. My lips [are] also from my Cambodian side, like my dad has big lips. I think my eyes also come from my dad and my Cambodian side because they are round and kind of smaller because my mom's eyes are a little slanted. She has more Chinese-looking eyes I guess; she was definitely mixed with Chinese from her mom. I just look like my dad, except my nose is kind of Filipino. That’s just it. I think the only thing that's probably more Filipino are my moles on my face around my cheek area, and then my nose is the hybrid Filipino, Cambodian nose. Other than that, I look like my dad.

How do you feel about your skin color?

Growing up, I hated being Brown. I hated being darker. I was just so dark as a kid and I think because on my dad’s side, a lot of them and all my cousins are also pretty dark too. So, it wasn't too bad where I didn't really get much or any weird comments from that. They would just be like, “Oh you’re dark like your dad.” But on my mom's side, a lot of them are kind of brown but I think because my mom’s mom is probably mixed with Chinese, they're also more pale. It's really big within Filipinos to use whitening soaps and to just always want to avoid the sun. So, it was mostly from my mom's side where I get those comments like, “Don’t go out in the sun too much. Wear a long sleeve.” We'd be at the beach and they [would say to] wear long sleeves, wear a hat, cover up. “Oh, you're gonna get so dark,” all those comments because I was darker too out of my sisters. Then, growing up I did not really have that representation in the media. I never wanted to be lighter, I would just be disappointed that I was so dark, but I would think that I can’t really do anything about it, like sunblock doesn’t help. So growing up, I didn't like my skin being so dark. It just bothered me, but there wasn't anything that I actively tried to do. I never used whitening soaps, I was just more frustrated by the fact that people will constantly remind me that I was dark or tell me to cover up or put on sunblock, and more frustrated by the response and reactiveness to it. I'm just looking down like, “Well, I can't change anything about it, I’m just dark.” 

Then going into college and people complimenting me on being tan, I think that was really weird. Just more understanding the context of those comments, and also just understanding the colonial mindset and wanting to not exceed into it as much, I've gotten more comfortable with it and I’ve gotten more proud of being Brown. Breaking down my understanding, it's all just the perception of being Brown; it’s really nothing to do with my value as a person or anything like that, and just understanding where that comes from has helped me to accept it more. It's still a working thing to constantly remind myself that it's okay that you're in the sun, it's okay that you're at the beach and you're going to get darker; I still have to tell myself in the back of my head. I'm less harsh on myself about it, but it's still something that I'm working on‒I like my skin, I love being Brown, and I love that in me. It's now a constant reminder of where my family comes from, but it's still something that I just have to constantly tell myself. I think just having to be aware of it too, people will have these perceptions about you because of the color of your skin. That’s more of what frustrates me about it; I can’t control it, but it's something that still exists. I don't know what to do about it, so the best thing I can do is appreciate it and just call other people out on it or just help people who are struggling too because I know my sisters are still very much like, “Oh, I don't want to get darker.”

Have you ever done anything else to change your skin color? Have you done lighter makeup or lighter foundation?

You know those foundations from the store where you can't test it and it comes cheap, so you buy whatever you think matches? I don’t know if it was in my head, but I always ended up buying shades that were too light. I don't know if it was the makeup or it was just me thinking that I'm that light, and I would put it on and it wasn't intentional to want to be lighter, but it would be another reminder of how dark I am. It would make me feel so bad and looking back now, that's so frustrating because makeup is supposed to make you help feel better about yourself, help you feel prettier, and help enhance you, but then I would put on this foundation and it would be too light and remind me about how dark I am, then I'd be disappointed that I don't match this shade, then I spent money on something that I think would make me feel better, and then I would end up feeling like shit like, “Well that sucks.” That's like the closest to trying to change [my skin color]. I would try a lipstick on a model that I like, but then I would put it on and it wouldn’t look right. It just wasn't fitting, or I would think it wasn't fitting for my skin tone.

Are you the darkest, the lightest, or in the middle within your family?

For my mom’s side of the family, I’m definitely the darkest. Immediate family, my dad's probably darker than me, but he and I are just the two dark ones. My mom is more Chinese, not that pale but she's pretty pale. Then my sisters are more, I guess, that ideal tan looking, kind of a nice fresh hash brown. They're pretty light and brown. My mom's side they're all either light-golden brown or more paleish Filipino, and then on my dad's side, my cousins, we're all kind of the same. I also have some mixed cousins who are mixed with Lao or Vietnamese, so they have that lighter skin.

Are you the darkest, the lightest, or in the middle with respect to the rest of Cambodia?

I feel like I'm closer to the middle. I feel like if I was out all day by farming or something, I would be on the darker side for sure, but because I’m not, I think I'm more like in that middle.

Do you feel represented or do you see people who look like you in any form of Cambodian media?

Hell no! My family, they're all pretty brown, except for my male cousins. They're all pretty brown, but in the karaoke, those paintings, or in those calendars that they sell, all the models and people like the women, they're really pale and really slender. My family is all Brown, so I’m like, “Yeah, that's how Cambodians are supposed to look like,” and whenever we go to any Cambodian events with New Years or something like that, they are pretty Brown or more darker, so I always understood like, “Yeah okay, that’s the media but not what Cambodians look like.” 

If you were to be casted in Cambodian media, what role would you be casted as, and what would your lines be like? 

Honestly I don't really consume too much Cambodian media, but I know for sure I would not be the main star. I'll probably just be some random bystander just on the side of the street to just react to the main character. You don't even have lines, you’d just be standing there to blend in.

Would you be doing, what kind of job or occupation? How would you be dressed?

I feel like I'd be a street vendor helping an older person who's actually doing the work and just kind of supporting.

Why do you think that these elite spaces are significantly lighter in Cambodia?

I feel like the common thing is people always think that if you're darker, it's because you work in the field, and I don't even know where that came from. Honestly, it was probably colonialism; I feel like that's the source of everything. Even though there's also genetics or science, I feel like pale, lighter skin throughout history always resembled people who don't have to be outside or don't have to be exposed to the sun. Maybe if I wasn't in the sun ever, maybe my skin would eventually just become so pale too, maybe that's another experiment. I think that symbol of not having to be outside because labor is something to look down on, something that makes you poor, something that keeps you outside from this kind of elite space.

Describe how colorism affects your life. 

Definitely growing up as a woman to beauty standards within Asian culture, within being Filipino and being Cambodian, within already that subcontext, it's “too dark, nose is too flat, this and that.” Within my mom's side of the family, the biggest colorism effect is mostly the color of my skin. One time, I wanted to get the straight-across bangs, but my aunt and my mom were telling me like, “Oh no, your face is too round. That's not good for your face shape,” or anytime I want to cut my hair differently, I always get those comments like, “Well, that's not good for your face shape; it's gonna make your face look too round. Different glasses will make your face look too round.” There’s always this thing where my face can't look too round, but my face is round; I can't do anything about it. It's always been affecting haircuts, makeup, my glasses, based on my features. I remember growing up looking at YouTube tutorials on makeup or eyeliner for Asian eyes for your wing eyeliner if your eye shape is this round or something like that. Just always having to be aware that my face is round, my eyes are round, my lips are big, always having to be so conscious about it to the point where it's just so ingrained. Sometimes I forget that I'm even conscious about it and that I make so many decisions based on it‒I think that's the big thing. 

Outside of that too, growing up because the other Asians at my school were Hmong, and when Americans think of Asians they think of small, pale skin Asians, slanted eyes, really silky thin hair, straight hair, and I didn't look like that. That's how the Hmong kids look like at my school, and I already wasn't accepted by them because I was not Hmong and then I was also just a different looking Asian. I didn't feel like I fit in within other Asians and then within mainstream media, I don't look like the stereotypical Asian. It’s kind of a mind fog like [I ask myself], “Are you Asian at this point?” I don't hang out with them, all my friends aren't Asian, I don't really look like what people expect me to look like as an Asian person, so it messes with you. 

I like to read a lot of fiction and I like to do some writing too, and one thing that I really have become more aware of too is how the default when you're reading any type of young adult fiction, it's interesting how you read the book, and then they'll describe someone usually; they'll describe some girl and then it'll be an Asian person, and then I think that's the only time when I realized that, but every time I read a book and it's describing someone who's not White, it was a reminder of how it’s so ingrained that the default description of these made up characters are always a White person. You have to be reminded that there are other people that exist in these stories that are not White. Every time, it’ll blow my mind that I forget how much I think the default for everything is White person or White features. Even then when I read about someone who's an Asian person, it’s always stereotypical with her silk, dark black hair, her slanted eyes. I think that’s one big thing too.

Do you think having a family, besides your dad, with different skin tones has affected or contributed to your self esteem?

Yeah, I think so. It’s really hard to be comfortable with my skin when constantly my mom is so on it about wearing long sleeves and just constantly complaining, “I don’t want to do that because I don’t want to be outside.” It’s annoying how hard I have to work to be comfortable being Brown and also being around other people, like my sister will complain too, “I don't want to get darker,” or something like that. It’s just so much work to constantly have to remind people and it’s for my own sake too because I don't like when people are constantly making comments. I'll tell her I don't get why you make it sound like being darker is such a bad thing, and constantly having to address that within her‒not even just to change her mindset, but just for her to not be so nitpicky about it, but I don't have to hear it. It's just exhausting having to hear people be so upset, and it just becomes little constant reminders about how your skin is darker, your skin is different and it's inherently bad for whatever reason; it’s just so exhausting. Then in the end, it just makes me feel like I wish I could just kind of go on and not have to worry about getting darker. Like if I was someone who was naturally this light, they can go out and they'll get a little tan and they'll love it because that’s as dark as they can be, and that’s perfect for them and it’s summer. But for me in the wintertime, people love my tan but then in summer I get “too dark,” and it's really annoying.

Envision a world where you were much lighter, the ideal Cambodian, if you had different features, the ideal nose, or if you had the ideal hair. How would your life be different? How would your relationship with your family be?

It's kind of sad because immediately I was like, “I would be unstoppable.” [There was] so much time wasted worrying about my nose or my skin, and it's just so much brain space wasted on superficial things‒it is superficial, but it has huge effects. Within my family, if I did look ideal with an ideal skin tone, ideal nose, face shape, I would be able to get the bangs that I wanted, I'd be able to wear any kind of glasses, I would be able to do any type of outdoor activities without people giving me shit. Even body type too because I've been the more chubby in my [family]. My sisters are pretty slender, and looking back, I wasn't a fat kid, I just had baby fat, but it was something that made me feel like so obese. I just felt like the biggest one and the darkest one, so it's just those two things. If I had the ideal body shape and skin color‒it’s so sad to think about, holy shit‒I would have so much more confidence and brain space to do better, not that I even did bad, but just so I do better in anything else I want to do and just not [be] worried about that.

How would your relationship with other Cambodians be like, besides your family? How do you think they would change in the way they treat you?

The [Cambodians] I'm closer to are the ones who have the shared experience of [being] the dark ones in our family, but there are the ones that are more East Asian looking, or they're probably mixed with Chinese so they can speak Chinese too. I don't know if that's in my head or if that's something true, but they definitely seem a little bit more connected, and I think it’s more deep rooted or a reminder of that they’re kind of different. It hasn't been like a huge thing, I think it's just more mentally expected or I’m so used to feeling different. The ones that are kind of more darker have made me feel more comfortable, but it'd be different where I probably wouldn't have these subconscious feelings of exclusion because of how I am.

How do you think your relationship with members of the opposite gender would be different?

There's just a few Cambodians I know, I never dated one. But just in general within Asians, personally speaking it's something that really does bother me because when I was younger, I was not into Asian guys. Realizing it now, back then I was more into Hispanic dudes, Latinos, and Black guys because I felt like I would be more accepted because I was darker. Even now, subconsciously, I feel like I don't really have as much of a chance with more East Asians because I'm darker, and that's on me too just assuming that their concern or preference was lighter or to be lighter. 

Especially with dating apps like being on Tinder, it's all superficial. I think that's really hard too because it's definitely in there where I see an East Asian guy and think he's really cute, I get kind of nervous and I wonder what they think because I'm not this traditional Asian looking girl that we think here in the States because it's so ingrained, like there's only one type of way to look Asian. That's just the product of what I grew up in and just assuming I don't look like a traditional Asian girl, and that definitely gets in the way of me dating other Asians. It's the worst, I hate it so much. It bothers me like no other.

What if both your parents were lighter, how would your life be different? Would you have a different education or would you be living in that same house when you grew up? What would you imagine would have been different?

For my mom, it probably wouldn’t have been different because she kind of looks like a typical Asian lady in America. For my dad because sometimes people think he's Black, for him I think his life would be a lot different because he does have that paranoia of police paranoia. He just kind of assumed the worst of people because I think people have always assumed the worst of him because of the way he looks and he's a male. Especially growing up in Long Beach, he’s dark, kind of a hoodrat walking around, so he’s experienced a lot of those assumptions made. I think for him it would just be easier; it probably just would have been easier in general for him to have different opportunities or at least just avoid those little microaggressions. He's never really talked about it, but just the way from what I pick up on him, he just always assumes that people are out to get him. I feel like that does stem from him looking the way he does. He always instilled in us to always look put together, to look clean, just because you're poor doesn't mean you have to look poor. 

Knowing that this is going to be on a public website, is there anything that you'd like to add or anything that you missed or something that you remembered? Is there anything you'd like to say to the general audience or the Cambodian community that may be looking at this website?

It sounds so cliche, but it's definitely an uphill battle to change people's perceptions about skin color or features like your nose or your eyes, or the shape of your face or lips. My personal thing that's helped me keep going is [acknowledging that] other people perceive me, so the best I can do is at least perceive myself in a way that was better or more positive than what I grew up thinking about myself because we waste so much time on being caught up on how we're perceived. Then we end up assuming that people are perceiving us that way, so it's just this endless cycle and it’s just a waste of time; nobody has time for that.